Learning to Love Yourself Again - Finding Self-Love After Post-Separation Abuse

I get it. You've walked away from the relationship and you want to shake off that old version of you that put up with way too much and start again.

So, amongst trying to heal and work out how to parent your children all on your own, you try to work out who is this 'new you' going to look like. The unknown of this feels both exciting and terrifying in equal measures!

Then there comes a spanner in the works when you realise that you're now on the receiving end of Post-Separation abuse from your combative co-parent. The entire process of what you are dealing with and adjusting to now takes a very different turn and you feel the heaviest sense of despair because you realise that your co-parenting relationship is going to be anything but respectful.

This feels like taking blow after blow of sucker-punches when you're already feeling broken into a thousand pieces. I get it. It's beyond shit and you can easily feel like you're involved in this, never-ending cycle of abuse that you're never, truly going to be able to escape from. It leaves you feeling broken, depleted and questioning your self-worth.

Rebuilding self-love and self-esteem after such trauma is a journey, but it's a journey worth taking. You owe it to yourself and your child/children to rebuild and rediscover yourself DESPITE what your co-parent is throwing at you.

So let's explore some strategies and techniques to help you learn to love yourself again in the face of post-separation abuse.

Acknowledge Your Worth:

You need to remind yourself that you are valuable, worthy, and deserving of love and respect. You, my darling, are a beautiful soul, an amazing woman and just because one person chose not to value you, doesn't mean that you are not valuable!

Mindset Hack: Every morning, when brushing your teeth, I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself exactly that. This will speak to your subconscious mind and imprint upon it all of the love that you deserve. We are now in the era of showing ourselves unconditional love!

Practice Self-Compassion & Self Care:

Be gentle with yourself and treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend in a similar situation. Recognise that healing takes time and that it's okay to prioritise your own needs and well-being. Take time to sit with your emotions whenever they come along and know that everything you're feeling is normal and part of the entire process. Be your own best friend, rest when you need it and take care of yourself.

Self-Compassion Hack: Whenever you can, take yourself out for a solo date. A Coffee at a posh cafe, a cute picnic at a beautiful spot or a cinema date on your own. Doing something out of the ordinary will refresh you and rejuvenate you! Self-care is not selfish; it's essential for your well-being.

Set Boundaries:

Establishing and enforcing boundaries is crucial for protecting your peace and mental health. Communication should written and only be about the care of the children you share. Anything else can go through solicitors if needs be.

Once you set these boundaries, you should fully expect that they will be broken but that does not mean you need to respond. If a message comes through demanding some sort of reply and it has nothing to do with the children, I want you to simply ignore it. This is how you protect your boundaries. Once they see that you will not be drawn/manipulated into a conversation they will give up.

Boundaries Hack: Check out our other Blog Post on the Grey Rock Method to learn some more steps on how to protect your peace when dealing with Narcissistic Abuse

Seek Support:

Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family and even a therapist who can offer empathy, validation, and guidance as you navigate this healing journey. Consider joining our Single Mama Sanctuary & forum area to surround yourself with women who are going through the same situation as you for some real, like-minded support. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can help you feel less alone and more empowered.

Support Hack: Our Website is jam-packed and full of support to help you at every stage of this journey. If you'd like even more support you can join our Single Mama Sanctuary or sign up for The Breakup to Breakthrough Blueprint for the exact, guided steps to take you from Broken to Bulletproof

Forgive Yourself:

Release yourself from any guilt or shame you may be carrying about the abuse you endured or the decisions you made in the past. Remember that you did the best you could with the resources and knowledge you had at the time. Carrying around the guilt or shame is not going to serve you in any way and it's time to shake that off and know that you are now better informed about what behaviour you will and will not tolerate in the future and move forwards.

Reclaiming and rebuilding self-love after separation and in the face of post-separation abuse is a brave and transformative journey. By acknowledging your worth, practising self-compassion, setting boundaries, seeking support, engaging in self-care and forgiving yourself, you can gradually heal from the wounds of the past and learn to love yourself again. Remember, you are a strong, resilient and amazing woman who deserves all the love and happiness life has to offer! Never forget that!